K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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