i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
