my vag is so smooth its legendary
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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