I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Holy sore nipples Batman
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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