I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
