id be glad to
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
