turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
