my phone needs a breathalizer
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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