I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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