Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
