I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
