Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
