Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
