I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
