At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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