I want to have your abortion
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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