remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
