he wants to bone in the snuggie
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
