Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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