a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize