my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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