if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My balls are so social today.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
