You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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