dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
