i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
