OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
