Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
