So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
