Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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