dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize