Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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