I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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