life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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