I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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