remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
