I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
