Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
