I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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