Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize