i already hear my dad disowning me
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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