just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
