Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
