Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
