very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
