he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize