This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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