your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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