where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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