I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
