My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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