my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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