on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
