The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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