A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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