You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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