fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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