so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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