I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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