Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
