I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
