I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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