I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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