I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This house was built for laser tag.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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