after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
